Thursday, 7 August 2008

Watch Out, There's a Hassock About!

We now know, thanks to Gordon and his chums, that we mustn't smoke in church. Damn, I always loved a Park Drive during the Nunc Dimittis. But the sight of this manual on the window sill of the tiny church in Stonton Wyville prompted me to think of all the other unpleasantnesses that could befall parishioners. Watch that chancel step dear, we don't want you flying headlong into the apse do we? Oh no, take those bell ropes down- don't you know that they could hang at least six people at once? How long's that communion wine been in the vestry cupboard? That hymn number board, bit dark in that corner, might cause eye strain- couldn't they be a digitised display? Oh dear oh dear, these hassocks. Flame retardant embroidery I hope, and the flower arrangements- big hay fever risk there, we'd suggest plastic ones, they can apparently look quite realistic these days. And we've had a complaint about fire and brimstone sermons, those extinguishers don't really look very effective do they, particularly if Revelations are involved. Striped hazard tape round the font please at Christenings. Actually, I think we'll just close the whole thing down, far too many risks here.There's a nice room you could use at the council offices when the Marching Band isn't using it. Don't know about Sundays though, might have to be a Tuesday.

12 comments:

Ron Combo said...

I think we should pull down all the Anglican churches, from Westminster Abbey right through to St. Michael's at Shebbear (pop. 43).
I am sure a lot of Muslims must find them terribly offensive.

A F-A said...

Very funny photo - made me laugh! I wonder if the whole Bible/Koran/Talmud thing is really the precursor to Health & Safety (nearly wrote 'Health & Efficiency'....a far more interesting book!!!)? They all seem to be based upon "if you do this or that, you'll go to a very hot place"!!

Philip Wilkinson said...

Watch you those chancel steps, now. I always take care I don't slip whenever I take anyone up the apse...

Peter Ashley said...

Philip, thankyou. I woke up feeling particularly mournful today, but your comment has made me laugh out loud, so much so that my neighbour has shaded her eyes to peer through the kitchen window to make sure I'm alright.

Jon Dudley said...

Phew! nice to be back somewhere a little cooler than over at Ron's place. Not too many saucy minxes in the C of E. I think you should erect a Rood Screen before it's too late.

Peter Ashley said...

Brilliant Jon. I'm so glad to have provided sanctuary from Ron's. I daren't go over there at the moment, are the girls still playing up?

Juliet said...

Brilliant. I'm really enjoying your blog!

Jon Dudley said...

There will be tears before bedtime - that's the trouble with drink - even if is Pimms!. Vespers rather than Vespas eh, Peter?

Fred Fibonacci said...

Driving to Lulworth Cove last week, we motored through the tank ranges that cover that part of Dorset. Fibonacci Minor suddenly laughed out loud.

'What are you laughing at, my little son?' said I.

'Dad, all these signs say "BEWARE OF SUDDEN EXPLOSIONS"; what other type of explosion can there be?'

Fabulous. An eye for fatuous gobbledygook and he's only eleven.

Peter Ashley said...

That's brilliant Fred. And I do hope you managed to tear all your youthful eyes away from Centurion tanks to take a peep at T.E.Lawrence's cottage at Clouds Hill. Who's birthday it would have been today if he hadn't come off that Brough Superior.

Jon Dudley said...

Late as usual!

Recently, our kids and their cousins were performing at Camp Bestival (name sounds awful doesn't it), a music festival with the accent on families being welcome, at Lulworth Castle. Didn't manage to persuade Mrs D that we should visit TEs cottage whilst down that way or the Tank Museum either. However at the festival was the wonderful Insect Circus which we all watched barely being able to control our bladders. Have a look http://www.insectcircus.co.uk

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