We now know, thanks toGordon and his chums, that we mustn't smoke in church. Damn, I always loved a Park Drive during the Nunc Dimittis. But the sight of this manual on the window sill of the tiny church in Stonton Wyville prompted me to think of all the other unpleasantnesses that could befall parishioners. Watch that chancel step dear, we don't want you flying headlong into the apse do we? Oh no, take those bell ropes down- don't you know that they could hang at least six people at once? How long's that communion wine been in the vestry cupboard? That hymn number board, bit dark in that corner, might cause eye strain- couldn't they be a digitised display? Oh dear oh dear, these hassocks. Flame retardant embroidery I hope, and the flower arrangements- big hay fever risk there, we'd suggest plastic ones, they can apparently look quite realistic these days. And we've had a complaint about fire and brimstone sermons, those extinguishers don't really look very effective do they, particularly if Revelations are involved. Striped hazard tape round the font please at Christenings. Actually, I think we'll just close the whole thing down, far too many risks here.There's a nice room you could use at the council offices when the Marching Band isn't using it. Don't know about Sundays though, might have to be a Tuesday.
I am a designer, writer and photographer who spends all his time looking at England, particularly buildings and the countryside. But I have a leaning towards the slightly odd and neglected, the unsung elements that make England such an interesting place to live in. I am the author and photographer of over 25 books, in particular Unmitigated England (Adelphi 2006), More from Unmitigated England (Adelphi 2007), Cross Country (Wiley 2011), The Cigarette Papers (Frances Lincoln 2012), Preposterous Erections (Frances Lincoln 2012) and English Allsorts (Adelphi 2015)